I received a heartfelt letter from a dear reader, Joan. Joan writes, “I seek your help Alexis on how can I find the resolve to have peace in myself after a tough break up. My ex was the one who broke up with me for vague reasons which I find immature. I feel disappointed because he said he loved me and wanted to make it work but he was the one who gave up on me and wants time for himself.
He decided on this despite that I fulfilled my role as his partner. I feel the dilemma of “if only, should have, could have and would have” the relationship could have been saved.
He hasn’t contacted me which makes me feel low because he doesn’t value the good memories we had. How do I get over my ex?”
Whew…I know how hard this can be. We end up going around and around in our heads with all the “what-ifs”, and wondering why our ex isn’t calling us to come back already?
You didn’t mean nothing to him, Joan. I’m sure he did love you and does actually remember all the good times you two shared. He just wasn’t there where you were on that same page as much as he wanted to be. He couldn’t commit for reasons that have everything to do with him and nothing to do with you.
Please trust yourself here, and give yourself lots and lots of love and compassion. I know how easy it can be to say “if only I had done…” but realize that everything happens for a reason although its hard to see right now.
You put your heart in it, and did everything you could, so please forgive yourself and stop thinking about the “shoulds” in your relationship.
Healing takes time. It took me years to get over one particular relationship, but it doesn’t have to take as long. To gain closure you can reach out to your ex and ask him what the reason was for ending the relationship, because there’s always a reason. I know this is super hard, but if you feel willing to ask and truly listen to the answer (even painful) it can begin the healing.
If that doesn’t feel comfortable to you, the closure will have to come from within. Write him a letter, get everything out that you wish you could say or should have said…then burn it. Make it feel ceremonial for you.
Also, you mentioned that you don’t think he remembers the good times you had.
It could be that you’re focusing too much on the good times.
Every relationship has ups and downs, good and bad. Often when we’re grieving or feel rejected, we tend to think of only the good in the relationship and put our ex on a pedestal. So, what maybe wasn’t working for you in the relationship? When were the times you didn’t feel happy? What bothered you about your ex?
Even if some of the things that weren’t working in the relationship you feel like were your fault – like being too clingy, or naggy, or jealous. There was probably a reason you felt that way. Now is the chance to work on those things within yourself, and to also be with someone where you don’t need to feel those feelings.
And finally, give yourself what you need.
Feeling kinda blue? Cry it out. Let yourself cuddle up in a warm blanket on the couch with a cozy cup of tea. Call up a friend to talk about it. Hire a life coach to help you gain closure and move on. Get out of the house so you’re not wallowing for days on end. Go shopping, meet someone for coffee…whatever it takes.
Eventually we must move on and realize its holding us back.
It’s never easy to let go of a dream, but the bottom line is that wishing for your past relationship is going to keep you from making progress in your life right now, and moving towards the right relationship for you.
You need to realize, right now, that you are not going to get back together, and make it your choice.
Know that these feelings you felt in the relationship were yours, and you will be able to love again. It may take time, but use this time as a gift to work on yourself. You deserve nothing but the best in relationships and you will get there!
Have you ever had a tough time getting through a breakup? What helped you to move on? What was particularly difficult? Let us know in the comments. This is a safe space to get support.
If you found value here please comment and share. Looking forward to hearing from you!
With love and movin’ on,