There’s a trap that I see for women in dating all the time.
Here’s how it goes…maybe you can relate:
We get caught up in the excitement that someone showed interest in us. He picked you! And we feel that we’ve finally got that validation that we’re worthy of love. That’s why we try so hard to make him like us, as if our lives depended on it, because for many of us, it really does. Without that validation from a guy we’re not sure of our own worth.
This was the on and off cycle I got stuck in for years with my ex, who we’ll call R. We were attracted to each other and loved each other, but so much of my internal (and external) validation got tangled up in my being with him and him wanting me.
I want you to have so much confidence, so much self-worth, that you’re going to turn things around and not feel that you need this man in your life.. You may want him, and that’s okay, but you don’t need him.
I want you to remember that your worth isn’t dependent on whether someone chooses you or not. I want you to remember this: a woman who knows her own worth doesn’t need to chase after any man. She doesn’t have to make anyone want to be with her. She knows all that she has to offer and therefore won’t buy into someone else’s lies that she’s not good enough without a man in her life.
It’s time for you to understand that you are the one doing the choosing. Even when it doesn’t feel like it.
You always were and continue to be far more powerful than you even know. And you have the power to choose the kind of love you want in your life.
The key is to remember that you are the one doing the choosing, not waiting or hoping for someone to pick you (flashbacks to awkward middle school dances!). This isn’t meant to make you arrogant or standoffish, but to take him off the pedestal that we all too quickly put him on, sometimes from just a cute photo, a few paragraphs in an online dating site, or a first date.
You have to remind yourself that you don’t know anything about him yet. You don’t know how he treats people, what his values are, if he’s emotionally available, or if you want the same things out of life.
That’s when you’ll begin to change and how you act when you’re with him begins to change. If he’s in it for the real thing, he’ll recognize that he’s going to have to work a bit to win you over. That’s exactly what you want.
Guys actually love this! They want to have to win you over. They want to have to work hard to prove that they’re worthy of you. Men are wired to be chasers and they’ll value you more because of it.
When you’re working so hard to prove your worth to him, it completely changes the dynamic away from one that works to one that most of the time ends badly and leaves you feeling down about yourself.
This doesn’t mean be self-centered or standoffish when you meet a man. Allow yourself to be attracted to him, to smile, to feel that chemistry. Those are all natural feelings and they give him the green light to make a move. He’ll feel safe approaching you.
Remind yourself that you really don’t know anything about him yet. Remind yourself that you’re the one doing the choosing here, and that you’re raising the bar.
You’re not going to accept just any behavior. You’re not going to accept him texting you last minute on a Friday night to “hang out”. You’re not going to accept him leading you on and never calling. You’re not going to accept casual hook-ups with no follow through. And you’re certainly not going to accept dirty texts when you barely know him.
It’s you who has to teach him how to treat you. Each of us teaches each and every man out there how to treat us. And we’ve all been putting up with this stuff for too long. There was another woman before you who put up with less than she really deserved.
We’ve become so proud of being the accommodating and understanding “cool girl” that we never knew in our heart that someone needs to earn the right to be with us.
And let me tell you, always trying to be the ‘cool girl’ when it comes to dating is a dead-end to finding that soul-fulfilling relationship.
I get it…we crave on every level of our being that feeling of being chosen and lovable, and we give up everything to have it. So we’ve lowered the bar, and we keep lowering it until we’ll settle for crumbs and endlessly check our phones or jump when he texts.
We then do ourselves the greatest disservice by holding off on living our own lives and blazing our own path. Our own missed opportunities with other men come and go. Our own dreams and goals never see their fulfillment. In the end, he has no idea what you’re capable of, and the amazing, beautiful woman that you really are.
Knowing now that it’s you doing the choosing, that it’s your choice too: are you going to choose a guy who never calls back? Are you going to choose a guy who texts you at the last minute, or after 10 pm to ‘Netflix and chill’? Are you going to choose a guy who’s going to treat you like a convenience when it’s convenient for him? Hell no!
You’re going to make a stand for real love. An old-fashioned kind of love that takes time, and risk, and commitment.
So next time you find yourself constantly checking your phone for a missed call, text, or email – just stop. Remind yourself that you don’t know anything about him yet. Breathe. Distract yourself if you need to. And if he wants a shot at all with an amazing catch like you, he’ll have to step up his game.
This is about loving and honoring yourself so he can see the real, gorgeous, amazing you.
You’re never alone in what you’re going through, beautiful. I’d love to hear how this resonates with you. Share your thoughts in the comments below!
If this resonates and you need personalized guidance, visit my coaching page here.
All my love,