I recently received a sweet email from Megan who is frustrated with her unofficial relationship, because she really likes this guy and knows that he likes her, but can’t get him to take the next step. She’s questioning if she’s doing something wrong.
My heart goes out to her as I have definitely been in this situation and know that it’s not easy, and sometimes downright painful.
The truth is that you are not doing anything wrong. I really want you to hear me on that, beautiful. This is not because you aren’t good enough.
I know that it’s not as easy as just saying, “next!” when you really like this guy and your feelings have already become deeply entwined with his.
I’m torn because I want to give two answers to this situation.
Megan had said that she knows for a fact that she is the only one he is interested in and they act like it’s a relationship, but he doesn’t want to commit yet.
On one hand, I want for you to think about the use of titles and what they really mean. If you’re in a situation like this where it is essentially a relationship except for the title, is the title going to make that much of a difference?
The thing you really have to ask here is, “are we growing together and is the relationship growing?” If this relationship is bringing you joy and you feel that it is growing in the right direction, then having the title may not make any difference. If it is continually causing you stress, heartache, or anxiety, then this isn’t going to be the right relationship for you whether you get a commitment or not.
On the other hand, I want you to really feel into your heart and ask yourself what you want from this relationship.
What exactly does the next step look like? You have to be really clear about this.
If you know that to feel truly happy and engaged with this man you want the whole thing, the real deal, and a fully committed relationship with him, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! That is a normal sign of a healthy relationship.
You don’t need to settle for crumbs when you want the whole f-cking cake.
And yet here you are, with another man who has commitment phobia, even though you’ve been seeing each other for months. It might have started out innocently enough, with him acting and talking like he’s on the same page as you. Or he might have come right out and told you he’s not ready for anything serious, but deep down you believe that you and your love can change him.
Either way, if it’s a commitment you’re looking for, no matter how amazing he is, no matter how much he seems like everything you’ve been looking for, the best thing you can do is hold onto your self and not make more of a commitment to him than he’s willing to make to you.
If you don’t, it can lead you into a negative spiral.
Because once you’ve completely let your emotions take over, it’s too late. He’ll know that he won’t have to give you the level of commitment you really want to you to keep you in his life. He knows you well enough to know that you’re the kind of girl that’s worth being with for when he is ready to commit to you, if he is ever ready.
But by then, you’ll be so in over your head with feelings and attachment, that you won’t be able to remove yourself from this relationship without a whole lot of heartbreak.
There are a lot of reasons that a man won’t commit, and most don’t have anything to do with you or how you’ve acted.
They have to do with who he is, his view of relationships, and where he is on his life path.
The key in this situation is to continue pursuing your own interests, your passions, hanging out with friends, doing the things that light you up and bring you joy! You continue to live your life for you and the others that make up your love network. You are open to someone else who can give you the kind of committed relationship that you truly want. You hold the power.
When we hold on too tightly to expectations and become rigid, we might force a situation or completely miss a clue that there is something better for us.
Our minds can be limited by what we know, so set it free to expand into the unknown. Maybe what you wished for isn’t as great as it could be or as great as you deserve! But how would you know if you hold on too tightly? Always remember to leave space and surrender for life’s special surprises. You might find yourself spontaneously surrounded by something, or with someone, better than you could have ever imagined.
Now I’d love to hear from you. Tell me:
- Have you been in a relationship like this before where you weren’t getting the commitment you want?
- What advice would you give to someone in this situation now?
Post your answers in the comments below.
Remember, share as much detail as possible in your reply. Hundreds of incredible souls come here each week for insight and inspiration, and your examples may help someone else find the courage they need to make a brave choice.
Thank you so much for reading, watching and contributing to the conversation. Your commitment to finding love is an inspiration.
With so much love,
To all the wonderful women who may read this: First, and I don’t think I am alone in this, I have engaged in this awkward dance with commitment phones in both platonic and romantic relationships. As I have gotten older and more engaged in a variety of satisfying work and avocational pursuits, I have discovered that I am less vulnerable to being crushed by the kind of rejection you feel when someone doesn’t mirror your need for connection. It’s not that I am less interesting in connecting, just that I am willing to spend more time letting the relationship take its own course. When I have the time to look at the big picture and consider what the other person is willing to offer; what life situations might be impacting his or her ability to fully participate in a relationship; and learn what past experiences might be handicapping him. In short, looking outside myself for answers provides both answers and relief. Because in any relationship I have, it is never all about me. Seems obvious, but deep emotional connection (or the desire for it) can easily obscure even the most glaring of issues. And, now, I prefer to think of this pause as an opportunity to make an informed decision about how much, if anything, I want to risk. You cannot avoid any and all heartache, but you can avoid those people who are quite likely to offer more heartache than long-term support, connection and love.
And, indeed, I am currently grappling with this very dilemma myself. You are most definitely NOT alone!
Warmest wishes,
Eliza (@hanahula)
Hi Eliza,
Thank you for your beautiful and thoughtful comment here! I know that many women can learn from it. You’re right, you certainly cannot avoid all heartache, but it sounds like you’ve gained a great deal of wisdom in how to make an informed decision. Good luck as you go through this same dilemma yourself, and reach out if you need support! xo Alexis