The Reason Why You Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Men

2nd May 2017 by Alexis Mead -- Leave a Comment

the reason why you attract emotionally unavaiable men

There’s a reason that I chose him.

After all, I could choose anyone I wanted. I thought I knew what I wanted and what I didn’t.

The fact that I worked with this guy I’d started dating didn’t matter to me then. It made it more exciting, more passionate, more risky.

There was something strong yet sensitive about him. Confident and vulnerable.

Our attraction was powerful. The fact that he was moving at the end of the year didn’t matter to me. The fact that he didn’t take me on proper dates didn’t matter. The fact that I  didn’t know if we really had anything in common didn’t matter. I could fill in the blanks for all of these things, because all I knew is that I desperately wanted him to fall for me.

In the end, he never did.

And that’s why you’re here, isn’t it?

Because you’ve been falling for a man who just won’t quite commit. Who you desperately adore but can’t give you all of himself, no matter how much he wants to.

You want to know why. The labels your friends and family and everyone else give him don’t quite fit. It’s not that simple as he’s just not into you.

And if he was capable of admitting it to himself, so does he.

You know you saw something real in him that wasn’t imagined. Your friends and family may not have been able to see it, but you did. There’s a potential there that wants to be fulfilled. And you begin to create your own fantasies of what could be if only he could live up to his potential. If only he could commit to you.

He knows you see the real him, and it scares him. The very thing that attracts him to you is also what is keeping him from committing.

It’s why you can’t just move on without an afterthought. It’s why you’re overthinking it all the time. It’s why you slowly stop talking to your friends about it, because you know what they’re going to say.

The hardest part is that he’s triggered every part of you that longs to be worthy. That longs to be enough for him.

And you are. He sees it, too.

He knows all you have to offer him. He knows how amazing the two of you could be if he could step up and commit to you. But he also knows deep down inside that he can’t.

You can spend years stuck in this pattern. Seeing the potential that you two could have, but knowing in your heart you’re settling for too little because he can’t give all of himself to you.

The only thing you can do is practice acceptance and give him space.

Accept who you are and who he is. Accept what you really need from a relationship. Accept what he needs and what he can or cannot give you right now. Express what needs to be expressed.

And then do the hardest thing of all…give him space.

Giving him space is the only possible way to change the course of this relationship. I know it’s a risk, love, because you may lose him. But it’s also his only chance to wrap his head around what’s going on and to potentially grow. To grow as a human being and to see all that you have to offer.

He may see it. He may not.

But whatever you do, don’t wait around for him to decide.

It’s okay to have hope that he’ll come around. I hoped for a long time with the man I mentioned above. I even flew across the country to spend a weekend with him…after it was over. Yeah.

But it’s another thing to live for that small piece of hope. To put all your chips on red and then refuse to leave the casino.

Go live your life! Get out there! Laugh. Dance. Read. Sing. Set goals. Be with friends. Start dating again.

This isn’t only his opportunity for growth but it’s yours, too.

You know all those feelings he brought up inside of you? Those feelings that you weren’t good enough, that you needed to win his love, that you needed to prove your worth? This is your opportunity to explore those feelings and begin to transcend them.

Discover the gorgeous, confident woman that you were born to be.

The man who’s the right one for you will see every bit of it and will rise to the occasion to make you his.

It’s worth the wait.

Did you need to hear this today? I’m so glad you’re here. I’d love to hear from you below in the comments.

With so much love,

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  1. Kristen May 3, 2017 at 9:57 am - Reply

    I so needed this, Alexis and it’s spot on to my situation right now. Thank you for putting words to it and validating my ending the relationship (probably later than I should have, but I did it) even though I have that bit of hope.

    • Alexis Meads May 3, 2017 at 7:54 pm - Reply

      Hi Kristen,

      I’m so glad this is what you needed to hear today. I give you huge props for your bravery in ending the situation! It’s okay to have that bit of hope, but it sounds like you did what was right for you. xo

  2. Sharon Robins May 3, 2017 at 9:59 am - Reply

    ??‍♀️??‍♀️??‍♀️That’s all I can say for myself?!?!?! Did you send a private detective out for me Alexis??? I know I know better but I truly SUCK at letting him go. I’m at the crossroads in my life where things are about to make major change for the good. This is my chance to step up, step back, and live what life has ahead for me. I know the ride is going to be the best ever. I just have to do exactly as you said! *Help! #thestruggleisreal

    • Alexis Meads May 3, 2017 at 7:55 pm - Reply

      Haha you’re so funny Sharon! Yes…the struggle IS real! I’m so happy that you’re at a crossroads in your life where things are changing for the good. It’s never easy to let go. I’m here for you <3

  3. Geri May 3, 2017 at 10:38 am - Reply

    I Definitely needed this. I’ve been trapped in this issue for years and am only just now seeing it after a friend pointed it out to me. It’s definitely some work to get out of, but I’m optimistic on finally getting someone available in all ways, not just physical

    • Alexis Meads May 3, 2017 at 7:57 pm - Reply

      Hi Geri,

      Thanks for your voice here. You’re not alone in being trapped in this issue for years. I’m glad you had a loving friend to point it out to you and that you’re feeling optimistic. You do deserve someone who’s available in all ways! xo

  4. T May 3, 2017 at 11:25 am - Reply

    Dope post Alexis! Thanks for the love truth bomb.

  5. Katie May 3, 2017 at 5:52 pm - Reply

    I totally needed this today. I’ve been stuck in a weird ‘we’re dating but not’ limbo relationship for almost 2 years now. And I met him at work too. Recently I’ve been shutting him out and just trying to treat him like a co worker but it’s so painful to be around him all the time and just pretend what we had or almost had isn’t there. It sucks. I love this job and I don’t want to quit because of him so I’m going to tough it out and just remind myself of all the time I’ve already wasted. Thank you for this today seriously I needed to hear it.

    • Alexis Meads May 3, 2017 at 8:03 pm - Reply

      Hi Katie,

      I’m glad this was just what you needed today.You’re not alone. I’m sorry you’re going through that and I can understand how painful it is to still be around the person. Stay strong! Just be professional at work, and remind yourself that you’re going to meet someone one day who will adore you and commit to you as much as you want to with them. xo

  6. […] first stage of breaking free from emotionally unavailable men begins with recognition that something doesn’t feel right. You’ve tuned into your […]

  7. Ash May 5, 2017 at 7:54 pm - Reply

    I needed to read this. Just went through this exact same thing except he has not left the state yet..

    Thank you!!

    • Alexis Meads May 9, 2017 at 11:49 am - Reply

      Oh no I’m sorry! Is he planning on leaving? I found it did help once there was some separation. You’re welcome!

  8. […] yet here you are, with another man who has commitment phobia, even though you’ve been seeing each other for months. It might have started out innocently […]

  9. Robin July 14, 2017 at 10:52 pm - Reply

    Thank you….I love him…I’ve accepted that he’s not ready to be in a relationship, It’s going to break my heart doing this…I can’t run from the truth anymore.

    • Alexis Meads July 21, 2017 at 4:10 pm - Reply

      Hi Robin, I’m so sorry. I know how difficult it can be. But blinding ourselves from the truth can be much harder in the long run. What have you decided to do? xx

  10. Jessica August 5, 2017 at 1:37 am - Reply

    This couldnt have been at a more perfect timing! I think deep down every smart woman knows this but canr quite put their finger on it, sometimes it’s just a matter of finally admitting it to yourself. I lost myself to a man like this and i couldn’t understand why i wouldnt let go. However, i began to grow and learned sooo much about myself in the process. I think he will always hold a piece of my heart and i his but life is so much lighter and more joyful when you can walk away from a situation knowing youre doing the right thing. Its the worst feeling in the world feeling lonely when you’re right next to the one you love. But it gets better. Minute by minute if you have to. Thanks so much for this 🙂

    • Alexis Meads August 7, 2017 at 12:36 am - Reply

      Hi Jessica,

      You’re very welcome and thanks for your comment! We love having you in our community. You hit the nail on the head – “it’s the worst feeling in the world feeling lonely when you’re right next to the one you love”. Glad you were able to take an empowering perspective by seeing that, albeit very painful, you learned sooo much about yourself in the process. It certainly isn’t always easy, but you did the right thing. Thanks for sharing! I know your story will help another woman out there going through something like this when she reads your comment. xox

  11. Kayla Marie January 8, 2018 at 3:08 am - Reply

    thank you so much for this “truth bomb” that someone else had mentioned previously! The comments are totally straightforward and so honestly what I’m feeling as well! You are amazing, and so insightful. I have been dating a man who I have been in love with for about 10 months. We went to my best friend’s wedding, and then the next day I had the best day of my life! I got to show him my city that I grew up in, we stood on the street where I waved to my mom in the hospital room as a little girl. I let him into so much hurt. I let him hold me when I was having flashbacks about my sexual abuse. I have pushed every guy away before him. And he is the first guy to believe I can make any change possible for my life. He absolutely empowered me! I knew he had this incredible magnetic pull to my heart. And then to find out that he really has a disabling disorder… Schizophrenia, and honestly he functions better than me at our job most days, and I’m only struggling with PTSD and depression. We all have our issues, but I am so proud of him for everything that he has tried overcome. However I’m proud of myself more. I am trying to have Grace for myself, and Grace that I fell in love with a man who was emotionally not able to be there for me, and falling in love with someone who is going to push me away whenever they have their struggles. There’s nowhere that Grace can enter, or no space for accountability and perseverance. In the relationship, that is. As for me being a single woman again, I want a strong healthy life which includes being vulnerable with your significant other, and this post encouraged me so much! I am going to continue to follow your blog!

    • Alexis Meads January 13, 2018 at 5:30 pm - Reply

      Hi Kayla! Thanks for sharing with us here. That is wonderful that you were able to get to a place where you were so proud of him for what he’s overcome, and, proud of yourself even more. I’m glad this post encouraged you. Welcome to our amazing community! xx

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