I spoke to the Women’s Club at Harvard recently to a group of 18-22 year old women.
It was a lot of fun talking to them about what they’re struggling with and what issues they have around self-love and self-care.
It brought up SO many of my own memories from college! Challenges that I was like “Yes! I remember exactly how that was! I did the same thing!” And yet many of the things that seemed so important when I was 20 have simply melted away.
Do I regret any of it? No. Because it made me the person I am today.
I think that as women there are certain phases in our lives that we all must go through.
But it did get me thinking, what are some of the things I wish I knew when I was 20?
There’s a lot! So I made a handy little list for you.
1. Don’t compare yourself to others
This was a BIG one for me in college! I went to a small liberal arts school where everyone knew everyone and gossiped a lot. Girls drove fancy cars and carried Louis Vuitton bags. Greek life was big at my school and there was this looming feeling that you needed to fit in at all times. I was someone who kind of marched to the beat of my own drum, but I found myself in constant comparison to others. Which of course made me miserable! I wish I knew that life wasn’t a competition and it is better to just be yourself than to blend with the crowd.
2. Don’t feel like you have to have it all “figured out”
What’s your major going to be? What’re you doing after college? Where are you going to live?
Ahhhh! These questions drove me nuts! Every time I’d go home for a holiday it seemed that everyone just wanted to ask you if you had it all figured out. Pretty much up until I went to college I had nothing figured out, and now there was this crazy pressure to get my ducks in a row for the rest of my life. Every choice suddenly felt like a major life-ending decision, which only added to the pressure. I would have told myself to relax. You don’t need to have it all figured out right now because you will never have it all figured out. Life is a series of trials and adjustments. That’s the fun 🙂
3. Listen to your mom when she tells you that having more than 5 drinks in a night is not healthy or normal
Ohhhh college drinking. The weekend parties, Tuesday bar night, Thursday $2 pitchers night, Sunday something. It was like every night of the week had a theme around drinking. Me and my friends now cringe when we remember what a “normal” night of going out looked like. And the hangovers were terrible! But that seemed to just be the way it was if you wanted to fit in.
I can remember my mom one day (I think post-college) saying “Lexi, I’m a little worried about you. I saw on Oprah that having more than 5 drinks in a night means you’re an alcoholic.” An alcoholic?? Wait, what? But everyone does it! Mom, but it’s fun!! Besides, what else am I supposed to do?
Looking back I realize that this is not normal or healthy. And that there are lots of other fun things to do. No wonder I ballooned up twenty pounds sneak-eating peanut butter out of the jar at 3 am.
4. You can relax a little, you don’t need to do it all
When I was 20 there was enormous pressure to do it all. This theme actually hasn’t changed much as I’ve gotten older. It seems that as women we feel like we need to be the perfect wife/girlfriend, get straight As, be a good daughter, have an active social life, exercise daily, look hot, participate in every club or organization or job…its exhausting just writing it. It felt like to be “perfect” you had to do everything, all the time, all at once.
I wish I knew that I could relax a little. That the world would not collapse because I took a break. To look at what I actually enjoyed doing and do more of that and less of the stuff I felt like I should do.
5. You are smart
Growing up my sister was always the smart one. I was always the one who just seemed to get by. Don’t get me wrong, I was smart, but I didn’t apply myself like she did. Therefore in college when I started doing well in school, being selected as top violinist, writing papers like a whiz and ace-ing my tests I was like WTF? Something must be wrong here. I must just be really good at cheating the system.
That’s seriously what I thought. That if I could write a 15 page paper in one sitting and get a good grade that I must be working the system because I wasn’t really applying myself. Then I went to Harvard and I did start really applying myself. Because I wanted to do my best. But hey, it turns out I wasn’t cheating, I actually was just smart. Or at least good at certain things. We all have abilities and talents unique to us. Play up those talents and own them.
6. Don’t straighten your hair and wear fake tanner every day
The majority of girls at my school seemed to look like barbie. They were pretty, tan, with straight silky blond hair. I was a bit of a late bloomer and did not consider myself very attractive in high school. Plus I’m extremely pale (I prefer fair, but I’ll go with pale here) and have super curly hair. But I wanted to fit in to be considered pretty too, so I started straightening my hair every single day and wearing fake tanner. That’s all fine. But now I realize that curly hair is kinda cool. And so is fair skin…like Nicole Kidman or Scarlett Johansson. Rock your own beauty.
7. Enjoy young love because it’s so sweet. But don’t put everything on that relationship.
When I was 18 I fell in love for the first time. And it was so sweet. In a young, innocent, rebellious sort of way. We both thought that for sure we were “the one” and we’d be together forever and get married. Summers apart felt like a life-time. Then as things seemed to falter in the relationship it was really hard to let go. Like so many relationships, we held on longer than we probably should.
And when you’re going through heart break, its so easy to look back on a relationship (especially your first) with only fond memories instead of any bad ones. At that age you’re really learning what love is for the first time. And enjoy it! Because it’s beautiful. But you’re both still learning who you are and how to be in a relationship. So if it doesn’t work out realize that it isn’t the end of the world. It was a wonderful thing that you learned a TON from and can take that learning with you down the road.
8. Practice saying no
This came up a lot with the young women I spoke to at Harvard. One girl asked, “If a guy offers to buy me a drink or a gift and I know they’re expecting something out of it, should I say no?”
Good question! When I was 20 I struggled a lot with saying no. To anyone, including myself. I had this strange inner-feeling that if I said no I somehow wasn’t being kind, or nice, or loving and that I’d be letting them down. Turns out quite the opposite is true! It’s not kind OR loving if you don’t say no when you know in your heart what’s right for you. Tune in to what feels good to you, and if it doesn’t feel good and you don’t want to do something, practice saying no. It feels awesome.
9. Don’t take family issues onto yourself
When I was 18 my parents drove to my college to tell me they were getting a divorce. It came as a big shock to me at the time, although looking back it’s really no surprise. But I suddenly felt like I needed to take responsibility for my parents and their feelings. That I had to be there for everyone and make sure that no one’s feelings were hurt or that neither of my parents felt left out on a holiday. I’m not sure why I took this on myself, as though I were the parent, but I did. Inside I felt like a 5 year old child and my heart was breaking and I just wanted to go back to how things were. I wish I knew that. That I was still the child and they were the parents and their decisions were their own. And that I couldn’t learn their lessons for them.
10. Stop obsessing over guys. Claim your own self-worth.
This is another theme that kept coming up the other night, and if I’m being honest with myself it doesn’t really ever end. This obsession over guys and ohmygod did I say the right thing and he didn’t text me last night do you think that he’s not into me and holyf—king shit I just know he’s going to break up with me. One simple thought would snow ball into this barrage of craziness that I was making up in my own head.
And then if the guy I liked did text me back or did ask me to that “exclusive” date party it was like “Yes! Thank you God! I am loved!” Almost addictive. But this is a dangerous thing because when your self-worth teeters on an external source (like a relationship/job/grade) than what happens when, as it will in life, something doesn’t work out?
I wish that I re-claimed my own self-worth and validation. That I knew how loving, kind, smart, sexy, beautiful, etc. I am simply for being me. And that goes for all of you too! You are perfect exactly as you are, without needing anything or anyone else to validate that for you.
TWEET IT OUT!
[bctt tweet=”Sometimes in life the only way through is through.” via=”no”]
[bctt tweet=”Life is a series of trials and adjustments. That’s the fun.” via=”no”]
[bctt tweet=”Rock your own beauty.”]
Did you go through any of the same challenges in your 20s? What lessons did you learn? If there are others that I didn’t mention, let me know in the comments below!
Peace and 20s love,