I know how it feels to be crying my eyes out, yet again, over someone that I’ve tried to get over but still loved.
Breakups are not only hard, the loss of a relationship can often be just as painful as actually losing a loved one. And it makes sense – this person that you loved so deeply, that was such a huge part of your life, is suddenly gone, unreachable, untouchable.
And it really is a true loss, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise who advises you to just get over it. It’s a loss of the future that you had pictured with him. A loss of the future family that you imagined. A loss of all of those wonderful moments that you believed in your heart of hearts were around the corner.
Although it’s hard to accept at first, this is actually a good sign, going through heartbreak. It means you have loved someone, you have tried for something real, and you have let life teach you.
To deal with the loss and the hurt your mind begins to try to make sense of what happened. You’ll find yourself making excuses to help answer that massive question: why? You may find that you start telling yourself, “I’m not pretty enough,” or “I’m not successful enough” or “I’m just not lucky in love”. These are all forms of judgment and can be released. Often we judge ourselves more harshly than anyone else.
But I’ve heard another view of losing love…
What if no relationship has ever truly “ended” by a breakup, divorce, or death of a loved one? What if that was just a story we’ve been told?
What if instead, the love between two people lived on as a separate entity from the two people in the relationship itself, almost like a child does?
And what if what you’re really breaking up with are the outdated images of who you were together, of the projected future plans you had for one another, of what should have been rather than what is?
I used to get so frustrated, years after the ending of a significant long-term relationship in my life, when I’d wake up in sadness or longing from a dream I had about my ex. I couldn’t understand why my subconscious wouldn’t let him go, even though I rarely thought about him in day-to-day life.
A spiritual guide once told me that we had a lot of past life karma together — and that’s probably true.
The heart doesn’t understand separation, death, or divorce, and love will continue to live on.
This way of looking at a relationship made sense to me, but what I needed to breakup with once and for all, were those projected images and false narrative I was telling myself about ‘us’.
You don’t need to live with the plans, dreams, and illusions of what once was or could have been, which will only leave you in perpetual hurt.
Here are some helpful things to remember:
1. If someone rejects you, it doesn’t mean that you need to feel rejected or think of yourself as less than worthy. I know this person’s opinion meant the world to you, but there are potentially hundreds, if not thousands of men out there who could be a great match, and would be thrilled to be with you.
2. Breakups and transitions in life are the perfect opportunity to let go of a situation and open yourself to better possibilities coming your way.
3. You can go through everything that happened in your head again and again, wondering what you could have done or said differently, but there’s no point. It will not change anything in the present moment.
4. That beautiful, loving emotion that you had for this person in the first place is often the same emotion that will gradually heal your broken heart.
5. Something that hurts you right now will ultimately make you stronger in the end.
6. You are human and the human heart goes through heartbreak and sorrow. Rather than fighting against it, learn to flow through it and use it as fuel to love life and others even more deeply. Give yourself the chance to love again, to feel again, and to live again.
7. Sometimes it takes going through heartbreak to help you to see that you were worth so much more than you were willing to settle for.
8. Life has greater plans for you that don’t involve crying at night over a bottle of wine or believing that you’re broken and unworthy of love.
9. Time doesn’t heal all things, but it does heal most. No amount of will power will force you to get over the heartbreak any faster. Feel your feelings. Breathe. Give it time.
Now I’d love to hear from you.
Choose one or both of the following questions to answer in the comments below.
- In what ways have you struggled with heartbreak?
- How have you dealt with it, and what advice would you give to someone else going through it?
Remember, share as much detail as possible in your reply. Hundreds of incredible souls come here each week for insight and inspiration, and your story may help someone else have a meaningful breakthrough.
Thank you a thousand times over for adding your love and your voice to this amazing community.
If you have friends, clients or colleagues who are struggling to find strength in heartbreak, please share this post or reach out to set up a private coaching session.