One of the latest trends is Serendipidating. Serendipidating is putting off a date — or dating in general — in the hopes that someone better or decent will eventually come along. As a Dating Coach it’s my job to keep up with the latest trends, and this is a dating trend you want to avoid, as it has the potential of screwing up your love life forever.
So what is it, really?
Serendipidating is essentially what I used to call FOMO, or fear of missing out.
When my husband was single, he called it BBD. Him and his friends were constantly waiting for a bigger and better deal to come along.
During my single days I fell into this trap all the time.
This was before there were dating apps, but I still used online dating to fill what felt like an endless dating funnel. I lived in Boston at the time, worked downtown, and had an active social life, so meeting a number of men wasn’t the problem.
The problem was finding a man that I felt a connection to and could see myself in a long-term relationship with, and who felt the same about me.
When I was serendipidating, I never could seem to find myself in a happy long-term relationship, because in the back of my mind I always knew that someone better may come along.
We have to take a pause for a moment and start by looking at what ‘better’ even means.
Have you been searching endlessly for your Prince Charming who looks and dresses a certain way, only to find out that this guy is a player, or doesn’t treat you the way you want to be treated in a relationship?
Or do you keep comparing every guy you meet to the instant chemistry you felt with your first love when you were 19?
“In fairytales the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy’s always wearing a black hat so you always know who he is. Then you grow up and you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he’s not easy to spot, he’s really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair.” – Taylor Swift
I help clients to understand what they actually want and need in a relationship and how they can be the best possible partner themselves.
This is critical so that you don’t get stuck in the endless cycle of trying to find a man who’s more attractive than the last, or comparing every guy to an ex-boyfriend that you felt crazy chemistry with but ultimately didn’t work out.
If your goal is to be in a long-term relationship then serendipidating will not get you very far.
With a sea of singles at your fingertips it is easy to get sucked into this pattern of wondering if someone better will come along, but life simply doesn’t work like that.
If you put off every job interview, buying a house, or anything else in hopes of something better coming along, you will weaken your decision making muscle to the point where it doesn’t exist anymore.
Plus, you will stop feeling grateful for what you have already because you’re always looking to a future that doesn’t exist.
You won’t know how to commit to ANYTHING because you’re always going to be waiting for that next best thing. This can set you up for a life of being single forever.
What is it about dating in the Tinder age that makes serendipidating so common?
There are just so many choices. Too many.
I tell my clients to imagine how different it may be if they were dating in the “Little Women” era.
For those of you who remember that classic story, it’s extremely romantic in it’s own way.
At that time your choices would’ve been limited to who is in your town and who you see on a regular basis. Therefore, you didn’t have the luxury of constantly wondering who else is out there, or fearing that you could be making the wrong choice when it comes to a partner.
You would get to know someone very very slowly, and the mystery and romance would build.
Can you imagine how mind-blowing the sex would be after many long, slow months of falling in love with someone?
In the Tinder age when you can always find someone new to swipe on, let alone text with or sleep with right away to meet your need for connection, that mystery and romance is lost.
There are a lot of great advancements because of technology, but we almost need to create that mindset shift back to a simpler time.
If you’re ready this and thinking, “Why bother? I’m too exhausted to go on another date” or find yourself swinging between back-to-back Bumble dates and swearing off dating entirely, then it’s time to adopt a new mindset around dating.
It’s so common and challenging to find a happy medium between dating fatigue and swearing it off completely.
I have two rules with dating: dating needs to be simple and it needs to be fun.
If it’s no longer feeling simple or fun, something needs to change.
I work with clients on creating dating plans that work for them, so they have structure and boundaries around their dating life which keeps it from feeling like a full-time job.
When it’s simple and fun you position yourself to meet someone because now you’re giving off that positive vibe, whether it’s with someone online or in ‘real life’.
Love can happen when you least expect it, but it’s usually when you’re in a great mindset and are still putting yourself out there.
Serendipidating is the dating trend you want to avoid because the truth is that love doesn’t usually look exactly how you think it will and relationships take work.
This is a beautiful thing because it’s through relationships and the struggles that come with them that we self-actualize in the process.
We learn how to balance giving and receiving, being grateful for what we have, and striving to make it better.
Now, I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.
Have you ever done Serendipidating? What was the result for you?
Remember, share as much detail as possibly in your reply as hundreds of kindred souls come here each week for advice and your comment may just be the spark they need.
Thank you a thousand times over for adding your love and voice to this amazing community.
With lots of love,
P.S. Do you know how ready you actually are to find ‘The One’? Take my free quiz to find out!