When you really like a guy, I know first hand how easy it is to become obsessive.
We all have our triggers, and if gone unchecked our affection can quickly turn to obsession.
Of course when this happens, we’re like repellent to them! Not only that, but we destroy our own inner-peace.
This never seems to happen as easily with healthy love. The love that feels good, and natural, and comforting. The kind of love where you’re into a guy, but you know he’s just as into you, and you can see it through his words, his actions, and his gaze.
Instead, that obsession sneaks up on us when we’re really into a guy, and we can just sense that he doesn’t like us quite as much as we like him.
Maybe he doesn’t ask us out unless it’s 9 pm and he wants to hook up.
Maybe he doesn’t call when he says he’s going to.
Or maybe he knows how to say just the right thing to keep you interested, but then disappears again.
Yup, I’ve been there.
The guy I worked with when I was 24 (we’ll call him K), with the dark shaggy hair and light eyes, the slight Boston accent that added a hint of rugged boyishness to him, the suits he’d wear to work to let you know he was sophisticated. He was exactly my type.
It started out innocently enough.
He walked me out of the office one night when we were the last two working there. I believe I was about to hop on my bike to ride down to Harvard’s campus, where I was going to watch an ice hockey game with another date.
We laughed casually, a part of me drawn to him, lingering on that feeling when you know you’re owning it. I was owning the conversation, the laugh, the way I could make him feel about me. I started out completely in control. That intoxicating feeling I would get when there was just a little danger in it, the flirtation, the knowing that I had an upper hand.
Until I didn’t.
Until we were seeing each other, regularly. Except “seeing each other” usually meant going out for drinks with other coworkers, sneaking off just the two of us later in the night when we both had one too many drinks to care. The awkwardness the next day at work. The desperation I felt to keep his interest. To make him want me.
However, it didn’t matter how hard I tried. How I bought concert tickets to his favorite band. How great the sex was. How daring and adventurous I could be. How supportive and loving. He was not ready or willing to get into a relationship with me and that was that.
So, how do you enjoy dating without becoming too obsessed?
You must re-connect to your own personal power.
You don’t need him. You never have and you never will. You may want him, but you certainly don’t need him.
Re-connect to the wonderful qualities about yourself, and all the amazing things you have going on in your life. Don’t disengage from your work, your friends, your family, and your hobbies because you like a man. This is when it’s important to keep up with them so that you don’t become overly reliant on the new relationship.
And remember, always, that if something is meant to be it will be. No amount of trying, striving, and willing a guy to like you will work. No matter how great the make out sessions may be and how charming you are! If a guy is emotionally unavailable, not as into you as you are into him, or just not ready to be committed, then he won’t be.
It’s important to accept that and know when to move on.
Not sure? Try this question on for size. “Do I feel happy with him most of the time, or anxious/sad/angry?”
Once you have freed up the obsessive energy by connecting to your personal power, you can simply enjoy the beginning stages of dating.
Get to know him.
Explore each other.
Be open to all possibilities.
This novel space doesn’t last forever in a relationship, so I always remind my clients to truly enjoy it for what it is.
Even if you stay together for the long-term, some of that initial spark will change, so just have fun with it and be yourself!
Now I’d love to hear from you. Tell me:
- Can you relate to my story with K above? Did you know you were getting too obsessed?
- What advice would you give to someone in this situation now?
Post your answers in the comments below.
Remember, share as much detail as possible in your reply. Hundreds of incredible souls come here each week for insight and inspiration, and your examples may help someone else find the courage they need to make a brave choice.
Thank you so much for reading, watching and contributing to the conversation. Your commitment to finding love is an inspiration.
With so much love,