How To Stop Obsessing When You Really Like A Guy

how to stop obsessing when you really like a guy

When you really like a guy, I know first hand how easy it is to become obsessive.

We all have our triggers, and if gone unchecked our affection can quickly turn to obsession.

Of course when this happens, we’re like repellent to them! Not only that, but we destroy our own inner-peace.

This never seems to happen as easily with healthy love. The love that feels good, and natural, and comforting. The kind of love where you’re into a guy, but you know he’s just as into you, and you can see it through his words, his actions, and his gaze.

Instead, that obsession sneaks up on us when we’re really into a guy, and we can just sense that he doesn’t like us quite as much as we like him.

Maybe he doesn’t ask us out unless it’s 9 pm and he wants to hook up.

Maybe he doesn’t call when he says he’s going to.

Or maybe he knows how to say just the right thing to keep you interested, but then disappears again.

Yup, I’ve been there.

The guy I worked with when I was 24 (we’ll call him K), with the dark shaggy hair and light eyes, the slight Boston accent that added a hint of rugged boyishness to him, the suits he’d wear to work to let you know he was sophisticated. He was exactly my type.

It started out innocently enough.

He walked me out of the office one night when we were the last two working there. I believe I was about to hop on my bike to ride down to Harvard’s campus, where I was going to watch an ice hockey game with another date.

We laughed casually, a part of me drawn to him, lingering on that feeling when you know you’re owning it. I was owning the conversation, the laugh, the way I could make him feel about me. I started out completely in control. That intoxicating feeling I would get when there was just a little danger in it, the flirtation, the knowing that I had an upper hand.

Until I didn’t.

Until we were seeing each other, regularly. Except “seeing each other” usually meant going out for drinks with other coworkers, sneaking off just the two of us later in the night when we both had one too many drinks to care. The awkwardness the next day at work. The desperation I felt to keep his interest. To make him want me.

However, it didn’t matter how hard I tried. How I bought concert tickets to his favorite band. How great the sex was. How daring and adventurous I could be. How supportive and loving. He was not ready or willing to get into a relationship with me and that was that.

So, how do you enjoy dating without becoming too obsessed?

You must re-connect to your own personal power.

You don’t need him. You never have and you never will. You may want him, but you certainly don’t need him.

Re-connect to the wonderful qualities about yourself, and all the amazing things you have going on in your life. Don’t disengage from your work, your friends, your family, and your hobbies because you like a man. This is when it’s important to keep up with them so that you don’t become overly reliant on the new relationship.

And remember, always, that if something is meant to be it will be. No amount of trying, striving, and willing a guy to like you will work. No matter how great the make out sessions may be and how charming you are! If a guy is emotionally unavailable, not as into you as you are into him, or just not ready to be committed, then he won’t be.

It’s important to accept that and know when to move on.

Not sure? Try this question on for size. “Do I feel happy with him most of the time, or anxious/sad/angry?”

Once you have freed up the obsessive energy by connecting to your personal power, you can simply enjoy the beginning stages of dating.

Get to know him.

Explore each other.

Be open to all possibilities.

Have fun.

Stay present.

This novel space doesn’t last forever in a relationship, so I always remind my clients to truly enjoy it for what it is.

Even if you stay together for the long-term, some of that initial spark will change, so just have fun with it and be yourself!

Now I’d love to hear from you. Tell me:

  1. Can you relate to my story with K above? Did you know you were getting too obsessed?
  1. What advice would you give to someone in this situation now?

Post your answers in the comments below.

Remember, share as much detail as possible in your reply. Hundreds of incredible souls come here each week for insight and inspiration, and your examples may help someone else find the courage they need to make a brave choice.

Thank you so much for reading, watching and contributing to the conversation. Your commitment to finding love is an inspiration.

With so much love,


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  1. Megan says

    This completely resonated with me because of what I’m experiencing with “M” as we speak! We used to date a few years ago and recently got back in touch (he was the one to reach out). He mentioned he’d love to get together and we both shared how much fun we had with each other before and how much we liked each other. I responded that I’d love to get together too and to let me know some possible days he’s free. Silence… I keep checking my phone, hoping if I look at it long enough a text will magically appear, but nothing… This blog post is just what I needed to remind me to check back in with my own personal power. I don’t need “M”! I really liked him and had fun with him and would love to see him again, but bottom line, I simply do not need him. Thanks for the great post, Alexis!

    • says

      Hi Megan,

      Thanks for your comment! Ugh…I’m sorry you’re going through that. Hopefully “M” will respond to you, but we may never know what his true intentions are. Sometimes, a guy wants to feel appreciated and know that they could still get you back if they wanted to. It could also be they had a dream about you or saw something that triggered them and felt reminiscent. A very similar thing happened for me with “K”. Keep your own personal power girl! You do not need him. If he happens to get in touch and has an amazing reason for why he didn’t write back and never repeats that again…great. But if not, you’ll find someone even better for you. xox

  2. Sarah says

    Alexis!! Thank you so much for this post – it’s exactly what I needed to read right now. I’ve been struggling with a relationship for the past two and a half years with a guy I met in grad school. When we first became involved, I really thought he had potential to possibly be “the one” for me. We seemed to share the same core values, we were interested in the same things, he was attractive, charming, kind, etc. Basically everything I thought I was looking for! We became involved for a while and things were great, but every time things started getting serious the way he treated me would completely flip and he would end things, saying that he just didn’t see a future for us. I was devastated. Things were complicated because we were in the same graduate school program, so we needed to maintain a relationship in school and shared a lot of the same friends. At first, I thought he was being kind and mature, by being up front instead of leading me on. However, for the next two and a half years we fell into this on and off relationship where he would pursue me, I thought things were different and they’d start to get serious again, and he would end it. I completely gave him all the power because I loved him as a friend, as a person, and the potential I thought he had as a partner. My turning point really came from a conversation with a friend when I realized most of the time I was “with him” I was feeling anxious, upset, and insecure. It was at that moment that I realized he ACTUALLY wasn’t the partner that I want and deserve. Since then, we have been able to maintain a friendly and professional relationship, but it helps that we now live in different cities. My struggle now that I’m dating again is to not get too “obsessed” and infatuated with the potential I see in people, but to really take it as it comes, enjoy the early stages of dating and revel in the fun/joy of uncertainty – and most importantly recognize and maintain my individuality and personal power, like you said, and not lose myself in another person.

    Long rant, but thank you!! I really appreciate your posts!

    • says

      Hi Sarah, you’re welcome! I’m glad you enjoying the posts. Thanks for sharing your story – I know it can help a lot of other women who come here and are struggling with something similar. It sounds like this guy clearly cared about you and was attracted to you, but there was something in him that wouldn’t let him become serious, and unfortunately only he can figure out why. Good for you though for having the courage to realize he wasn’t the partner you deserve! I always ask women to see if generally when they’re with a guy if they feel happy most of the time or unhappy. If you realize that most of the time you’re feeling anxious, upset, or insecure around him, then that was absolutely a warning sign and you have a very good friend 🙂 I’m glad you’re having fun dating again, enjoying the process, and holding onto your personal power! xox

  3. Nadege says

    This struck a cord with me. Wasting energy on a relationship ship that is unhealthy. I know it’s not meant to be but I was having a hard coming out of it because it was all I knew. I’m grateful to finally realize enough was enough and I look forward to being a peace.

    • says

      Hi Nadege – I’m glad this struck a cord with you and thanks for commenting. I know it’s not always so easy when we’re in the relationship. You should be proud of yourself though for realizing enough was enough and coming out of it. It can take time to heal, but you will be at peace and are opening up to the love that is worthy of you. xx

  4. Kelly says

    Ugh! Just ugh! Ive been ” seeing ” a guy for almost 2 years. Started out totally casual, which is what we both wanted. I dated someone earlier this year and broke it off with my guy. My guy texted me,( drunkenly he says) that he misses me, I was cheating on him, etc). A month later I walked away from that relationship and my guy was at my hours within hours. Telling me he missed me… it’s been 5 months if growing intimacy, deep conversations, he gets close, he pulls away, says he cares about me, he likes me… slowly moving forward, but no commitment.My friends tell me he’s a douchebag, I need to drop him.. I make excuses for him that his life is a mess, he’s confused…He’s younger than me, he has a lot on his plate. Blah. Blah. Blah…I have one foot out the door and am ready to bail at any moment because I’d rather break my own heart than have him do it.
    I struggle every day. When we are in the same room, it’s rainbows and unicorns. When we’re not, I’m struggling with convincing myself to stay.
    I’m scared to walk, but also know I deserve a man that fights for me to stay.

    • says

      Hi Kelly, thanks for writing! I’m sorry hun – I know how difficult this can be. It’s never easy, no matter how many times our friends tell us us he’s a douche bag, or how much we know we shouldn’t put up with it anymore. Let me ask you, what is it that keeps you holding on above all else? What do you think keeps him coming back? And, if you weren’t making excuses for him, what type of change would you need to see for you to stay? You DO deserve a man that will fight for you. xx

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