You’ve been seeing someone for a little while now. There’s attraction, you’re having fun together, you like him and he likes you. It’s leading in the direction of having the talk to know if you’re exclusive. But you find yourself asking a million questions and it all leads down to one thing: is he the right guy for me? Is he ‘The One?’
I get asked this question all the time about how my husband and I met. Did I immediately know that he was ‘The One?’ How many dates did it take? What helped me to make that decision?
I’ll write more on my personal story of how I met my husband soon, but I will let you know that when we first met I did not know for sure.
That’s not to say that there isn’t ever an occasion where you meet someone and just instantly know…but it is rare. Very rare.
It is rare because we our complex people who are drawn to different things in different people, we have different relationship backgrounds, and there are about a million fears that can pop up making us question…”can I trust myself to know if this is ‘The One?’
First, I think it’s important to look at this idea of ‘The One’ that media and Blockbuster movies have drilled into our heads.
It’s not that I don’t believe in soulmates and Mr. Right – but I think there can be more than one person who fits that role.
Look at yourself. Look at how diverse and varied and unique you are. There are parts of you that are drawn to one person over another. And parts of you that are drawn to other people simply because you’re such a multi-faceted woman.
Here’s an example from my own life:
I thought I had met ‘The One’ my freshman year of college. We had that eyes meet, lightning strikes, deep attraction and love. But there were parts of our relationship that were also toxic, as well as parts that were beautiful. We probably could’ve been very happy together long-term if it had been the right time for us and we were both committed to working on ourselves and the relationship. But we weren’t.
With my husband our relationship started out differently. However, we were at a time in our lives where we were willing to work on ourselves and making the relationship as great as it can be. I am very happy with him and know he’s a great partner to build my life with.
What we see as ‘the spark’ is a chemistry piece that we have been taught as being the most important piece of all.
But this is what causes so much heartbreak and pain. If we make chemistry the most important thing then we miss all the other parts that make a relationship wonderful and that make it work long-term. Particularly, how you feel around him and how he treats you.
After already being engaged to my husband Peter, I learned a question that would’ve been invaluable to helping me make the decision if he’s the right guy for me.
That question is this:
“Are you talking yourself into, or out of, the relationship?”
This is a question that you want to ask yourself if you’ve been dating for a little while and it’s coming to a point where you’re choosing how serious it is or not. This is not how to make a decision when you’ve just met someone.
The reason this question works is because it digs deep into your fears.
Typically, if you find that you have to talk yourself into a relationship, it’s not going to be the best fit for you. The types of things you say to yourself when you’re talking yourself into a relationship are:
“Well he has a really good job.”
“I know my family doesn’t really like him, but they just don’t know him like I do.”
“He does drive a nice car and other women think he’s attractive, so technically he looks good on paper.”
When you’re talking yourself out of a relationship, it looks more like this:
“I really do enjoy being around him, but he’s shorter than a guy I wanted to be with.”
“He treats me really well and we have fun together, but I don’t know…”
“Yeah I mean I can really see it going somewhere, but that scares the shit out of me, and besides, he is older than me.”
Can you see how in the first example you’re hanging onto traits or qualities that aren’t really all that important? You’re ignoring your gut feeling that something just isn’t quite right, in order to avoid being alone or to be with someone that you think ‘fits the bill’?
In the second example, the right feelings are there, you can see potential, there’s a connection, but fears are coming up, which is totally normal! Therefore you try talking yourself out of the relationship. Or this man doesn’t ‘fit the bill’ of what you thought you wanted in a partner so you try to push them away, even though there is a real connection.
Fears are going to come up, and that’s okay. That’s part of what makes a relationship so healing and launches our personal and spiritual growth.
But above all choose the potential for happiness, and use that question to see if you’re talking yourself into or out of a relationship.
I want to hear from you in the comments. It’s only in our own minds that there’s a shortage of ‘The One’, so let me know if you’re in a relationship or have been in the past where you’re just not sure if the person was the guy for you.
Thank you a million times over for sharing your point of view and making this community one of the kindest and most fun that I know.
And if you have a client, colleague or friend who is doubting their relationship, share this post now. It might be the spark they need to give it a real go.