“The connection was intense. Perhaps the most incredible, passionate connection I’ve ever had with a guy. Ever. He messaged me every single day and we went on these wonderful dates, talking and flirting for hours. After a while he told me he needed time and wasn’t sure what he was feeling. I don’t understand. Didn’t he feel the connection to? Will he ever come back to me again?”
I’ve heard a version of this story from many readers and clients.
I’ve been a version of this story.
It’s painful, and heart-wrenching, and exhausting, when we know we need to move on, that this guy is probably never coming back, but our heart simply can’t accept it. Won’t accept it.
Will he ever come back to me?
The thing about these earth-shattering connections that stand out above all the rest: they are real.
You didn’t just make it up.
It was real. And he felt it, too.
The potential for a long-lasting relationship might have genuinely been there, but both people in the relationship have to be willing to put in the work.
In every relationship you have 50%, and you can own that 50% to it’s fullest, but you cannot make up for his share.
You cannot only be in love with the potential of who he could be and the idea of what the relationship could have if only…
if only I could have been a little more loving and understanding
if only I had slept with him sooner
if only I had not slept with him at all
if only he could deal with his issues.
You get the idea.
“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen into love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung onto the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.” – Elizabeth Gilbert
This type of relationship can bring us back to our childhood, or someone in our lives like our mother who had this same kind of potential but ultimately wasn’t able to give us what we truly needed. Maybe she couldn’t give us the love we needed, or the time, or was emotionally unavailable.
With private clients I offer a love/family blueprint session that actually begins to shift our subconscious away from these patterns.
Once you understand if this is a pattern for you in your love life (if this has happened more than once, it could be a pattern!), start to ask yourself some questions:
What will it be like to be with a man who chooses you?
With a man who is fully physically and emotionally available for a relationship?
What would it be like to be with a man who wants to work at it?
We have to create the feeling and expectation that the only man we’re going to allow into our lives is the one who’s willing to put in the work and doesn’t pull away as soon as the intense connection begins to change. Because in almost every relationship, it usually does.
That the intense, almost painful connection you feel in the beginning of a relationship where dopamine is coursing through your body will eventually be replaced by a less intense hormone: oxytocin. Oxytocin is called the ‘love chemical’ because this is where bonding and lasting relationships happen. If he believes that the intense, passionate connection needs to be there and needs to be there forever, then he might pull away and he’s not the person you’re meant to be with.
It takes a mature man who’s moved beyond that expectation to readiness for a commitment.
A man who’s a true modern gentleman: he’s a confident badass that’s still in touch with his feelings.
It takes this strong yet emotionally connected guy to sustain a relationship that lasts over time rather than a lightning bolt connection with nothing to support it.
He is out there. Have faith that you will meet him.
Have you taken my free quiz yet to test your relationship readiness yet? If not, take it here and see if you’re ready for ‘The One’!
All my love,