I wish I could share some happier news with you.
I had been excited to tell you that I was pregnant, but sadly that came to an abrupt end last week.
I try to usually write and share things that I hope will inspire or uplift you in some way, but I want to also share my sadness and pain as well as my love and joy.
And the truth is that life is full of all these moments. It’s a rainbow of colors, feelings, emotions and experience that sometimes just feels gray.
So yes…last week I had a miscarriage.
And went through the range of emotions that come with a loss.
It all happened so quickly, and I don’t think anything could have prepared me for the physical pain that accompanied the procedure I went.
But what surprised me most was the emotional pain I felt. Especially when getting pregnant with my husband Peter came as a bit of a surprise.
At first I felt resentment.
After finding out at my doctor’s appointment that the baby had no heart beat I went out for lunch and had a beer. A very large beer.
I felt angry that for the last few months I had been tired, nauseas, unable to enjoy my life as I normally would for what felt like nothing. I also felt angry at friends I saw who had normal pregnancies. Feelings of “why did I have to go through this when they got to hear their baby’s heart beat?”.
Those feelings soon passed and were replaced with sheer physical pain, turning to excitement at feeling better, and then transitioning into the sadness and grief that accompanies loss.
I did a lot of crying. I talked to God. Talked to friends. Was sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a nice card.
And I talked to women. It was such a gift to realize that I was not alone. Sooo many women have miscarriages, even ones who have healthy babies now. It is nature’s way. And it can also be a cleansing process for your womb to have a healthy pregnancy going forward.
Yet so many women sweep it under the rug. This was my initial reaction too. To just get over it and deal with the pain on my own. I think in part because I want to move on with my life. And in part because I feel like a failure. I have no idea why I feel that way, but it’s a definite underlying tone.
This is why I knew I needed to write this article. So any woman going through this experience knows she’s not alone.
Today, I’m just feeling gratitude. I haven’t experienced much great loss yet in my life, and this process has brought a new sense of color and richness to my life that I hadn’t experienced before.
During the actual pregnancy I felt feelings of depression for the first time due to hormones, so now I’ll have a deeper sense of compassion for those suffering from depression.
The experience has brought me closer to my husband, who was there with me the whole time, holding a cold towel on my forehead when I needed it. And for his love and the bond we share I am extremely grateful.
It has also brought me closer to other members of my family and friends. I am blessed to have a support network who reach out to me when I’m too afraid to reach out to them.
It has also taught me that so much is out of our control. This was my first pregnancy and I took it for granted. I thought it was within my control. God had other plans for me apparently. I learned to surrender…to my body, to life, to God. I know that next time I become pregnant one day (and I am still quite hopeful) I will embrace it for the miracle it is.
Love,
Alexis
P.S. I also realize that every miscarriage is different, and each hard in their own way. For mother’s who lose their babies far into pregnancy, or even shortly after birth…my heart goes out to you. I don’t know how you do it.
Great post Alexis. As a father of two beautiful girls, I just couldn’t begin to understand the trauma of losing a baby.
I have no doubt that one day, you and your husband will be blessed with a beautiful baby.
Thank you Martin! I have no doubt too 🙂
Alexis, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I went through something similar a few months ago, and I know how heartbreaking it is. I did not realize how the loss of something physically so small could hurt so bad… but it did. I am so glad you wrote about your experience because so many women feel as if they did something “wrong,” which could not be further from the truth. Miscarriages are extremely common, and many women do not even know they have experienced a chemical pregnancy when their period comes a few days late.I was able to conceive two cycles after my miscarriage, which my doctor said is very normal. I hope the same for you! I will be sending you my thoughts and prayers.
Thank you Corey. It helps to know how many other women went through something similar. I have no idea how something so small can physically hurt so bad, but boy is it painful! I would never undergo that procedure again without pain meds or anesthesia. That is wonderful that you were able to conceive just two cycles after the miscarriage! I have a good feeling the same will happen for me 🙂 Thank you for your prayers.
xox
Thank you for sharing your loss and emotions about what you went through… I had a miscarriage in June from a very unexpected pregnancy (was told me whole life it probably wouldn’t happen- surprise) and I am just now starting to feel “normal” again. You are right a lot of people just sweep it under the rug- I personally couldn’t do that- I needed to talk, cry, rage and let it all out!
Hi Allison,
You’re welcome and thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage in June, it is a lot to recover from! I’m glad you were able to talk and cry it out. So necessary!
xox
Hello Alexis,
Miscarriage is something that I have experienced in the past. It indeed was devastating, but by the grace of God, we pulled through it. Still, your experience is your own, and no one will ever understand what the loss means to the two of you. May God be with you in this time of loss, and may you be comforted by His love and peace..
Coach A.M. Williams
Thanks for your comment and your prayers A.M.!
Thinking of you and sending you lots of positive energy and love. I haven’t experienced what you’re going through, but having gone through 3 years of fertility struggles I do understand the power of knowing that you aren’t alone 🙂 The more women can share these experiences and talk to one another, the better. Thinking of you and sending lots of healing wishes your way xox
Hi Jenny,
Thank you for the positive energy and love! I can only imagine 3 years or fertility struggles would also be very frustrating and feel unfair. So many women go through challenges having a baby in different ways! I’m so happy to hear about your pregnancy now and you’re right, the more we can talk about it together the better. xox
Alexis, this is why I love you. That you can experience something so tragic and devastating and still find the good in it. I know you’ll be the most amazing mom when it’s right. xoxo
Thank you Rosella! There is good, or at least wisdom, in everything 🙂 xoxo
Thank you for sharing your heart and being the light in the moment of darkness. Sending positive thoughts, love and light.
Thank you Vivian!
[…] In September, I wrote an intimate post about going through a miscarriage. At first, all I wanted was to get my body back and feel healthy […]
[…] September, I wrote an intimate post about going through a miscarriage. At first, all I wanted was to get my body back and feel healthy […]