The Worst Thing To Do If You’ve Been Ghosted

17th January 2018 by Alexis Mead -- Leave a Comment
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the worst thing to do if you've been ghosted

You’ve gone out with a guy and it was the perfect date! You even allowed yourself to get your hopes up and tell everyone how you’re definitely going to see him again. Maybe you text a bit. And then the punch in the gut – you stop hearing from him completely. We’ll talk about the worst thing to do if you’ve been ghosted.

So what should you do?

Should you text or call him? Wait to see if he finally comes around? Maybe scream at him over voicemail to tell him what a selfish, immature jerk he’s being?

We think that what we choose to do next has such huge significance. That it might make or break the potential relationship that we built up in our heads.

When I was single, I can remember the anxiety I used to get over whether or not to text a guy I was seeing. I’d spin on this with my mom, my friends, anyone who would listen. If I decided to wait for him to reach out, I’d get a little sadder and more anxious with each passing day.

Why is it so hard for us to wait for him to make the move? Why does it feel better to just write the freaking text, even if we have a feeling it’s not the best thing to do?

It’s because we live in a culture where we’re told that it’s always better to be doing something, anything, rather than be passive.

Being passive is practically a criticism.

This is where it’s confusing with dating. Women are now more assertive than ever in so many areas of their lives, which makes sense why an app like Bumble would become so popular, but when it comes to relationships, nearly all of the clients I speak to still want a man to pursue them. They want to feel attractive, desired, and pursued.

So are we being old-fashioned by waiting for a man to be the one to reach out? Are we not empowering ourselves as women?

Could be.

But then we talk ourselves into wanting him to chase us, and we are back to square one, with no idea what to do if we haven’t heard from him.

Here’s the thing: If he hasn’t texted or call and you really want to speak to him, and he’s the right match for you, and you’re the right one for him, it won’t make a bit of difference. It really won’t matter.

He can call if he wants to see you, or you can text if you want to talk to him. You can wait or not wait if you want to, and it won’t make one iota of a difference when you’re the right fit for each other because there won’t be the “wrong” or “right” thing that we put so much pressure around.

The worst thing you can do if you’ve been ghosted is not to be true to yourself and keep your dignity in tact.

This is where you start playing games, start looking for rules and scripts, and start reading books on what you should do or should not do.

When I met my husband, I couldn’t tell you if he called me more often than I called him, or how long our conversations were between dates. In fact, we still joke about the page long text messages I used to send him! Something I would typically not advise doing with someone you’re newly dating.

But know what? It all turned out perfectly okay because he was the right person for me.

And the guys who totally weren’t?

My stomach was in never-ending knots over them and what I did or didn’t do right.

Save yourself the pain, the second guessing, the spinning, and all the frenzied conversations with anyone who will listen. Instead take a deep breath, relax, and realize that it’s okay. It will all be okay.

Rejection is protection. Rejection is re-direction.

It might feel like rejection, but rejection can be a blessing in disguise. Rejection can protect us from someone who would cause us a lot of hurt and anguish. It can re-direct us to find the right relationship with a man that will treat you like the Queen you are.

That’s how we find out whether or not they’re the right guy for us. If they’re not okay with something that you did, and you felt good about it, it doesn’t mean you did something wrong or that there’s something  wrong with you. It just means he may not have been the right man for you, and you may not have been the right woman for him.

It also can mean that the timing was simply off.

So don’t blame yourself. There are things you can certainly learn from the experience of being ghosted, but there is nothing inherently wrong with you. You are as capable and deserving of love as anyone else.

And whatever you do, try to release and relax.

The worst thing you can do if you’ve been ghosted is to spend too much time angsting over it, rather than moving on to someone who will love you for who you authentically are.

Follow your heart and know that whether you decide to reach out to him or not, and if you ever hear from him again or not, it’s okay.

If it’s the real thing, you’ll know it. He’ll reach back out to you and he certainly won’t shy away if you get in touch with him.

And if it’s not the real thing, it’s simply because it really wasn’t the right relationship for you.

I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.

Have you ever been ghosted? How did it make you feel and what did you do about it?

Remember that hundreds of incredible women visit this blog each week, and your comment may just allow them to have a breakthrough.

All my love,

XO

A.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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4 Comments

  1. Joana January 17, 2018 at 10:09 pm - Reply

    I have been ghosted many times by guys. It made me feel like it was something wrong with me but then I realized if someone is not interested in me it’s a turn-off. I decided I would not be a masochist and then I become more focused in my relationships with my friends, meet new people, enjoying life and persue my career.
    I was no longer worried if people would like me but if I could like them. That changed everything.
    Today I have I great boyfriend that is not perfect but we as a team work for each other, it’s easy to be around him 🙂

    • Alexis Meads January 22, 2018 at 7:37 am - Reply

      Thanks for your comment Joana! That’s great you were able to make that shift on not worrying if people would like you but if you would like them…such an IMPORTANT one! That’s great you’re now in a relationship where you work together as a team. xx

  2. Gordana January 26, 2018 at 12:46 pm - Reply

    Dear Alexis!
    Many thanks for your inspirational thoughts! I found it very useful for me!
    My situation is like this: he wants to be a commander of our relationship for dating, since he is extremely busy, so only when he is available, it is possible to meet each other. In the meantime, he even stopped to send sms or viber messages when I expressed my disagreement with such kind of relationship. Now I am not sure he is right guy for me…
    Therefore, your text is guideline for me!

    • Alexis Meads February 1, 2018 at 9:36 pm - Reply

      Hi Gordana! I’m glad you found it useful for your situation! Good for you expressing how you felt about only being able to meet up when he is available. He may or may not be the right guy for you, and if you can head to my coaching page if you’d like to set up a session and figure that out: https://alexismeads.com/work-with-me/ , however, it’s a great step that you’re honest with how you felt and now it gives him an opportunity to change. xx

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